Dr. Laura Anderson is a licensed clinical psychologist who is currently living and practicing psychology on the island of Kauai in Hawaii. She specializes in the provision of psychological services to children and families and in the delivery of competent cross-cultural services. She loves children and appreciates the challenges related to parenting them. Dr. Anderson has also lived and/or traveled extensively in Southern, Central and Northern Africa and feels blessed to have had opportunities to learn from Africa’s marvelous, complex and diverse teachings. As I mentioned last month, if raising happy confident kids were like following a recipe, there would be several key ingredients. In my recipe, the three crucial ingredients would be structure, nurture, and safety. Today I’ll talk about the second of those: nurture.
On a very basic level children need to feel loved by their parents to grow into loving, healthy adults. It will be important for them to understand that you love them for who they are, not what they do, achieve, or give to you. It helps them to know you love them because they are your children, and because they bring their own special joy and energy into your family.
If you love them based on what they achieve, when they stumble or fail, they will feel unlovable. If you love them based on what they do for you, when they can’t meet your grown-up needs, they will feel unlovable. Tell your children you love them because they are beautiful inside and out. Show your children you love them.
Different cultures have different ways of demonstrating love. Some cultures express love through cooking and care-taking. Others show love through teaching. Others show love through quiet time in shared activities. Find what is comfortable for you and works for your family and keep doing it. Make time in your busy routines to spend individual time with your children. Snuggle on a Sunday morning. Read books together and talk about them. Go for walks together. Cook together. Turn off the television and telephone during family meals. Hug, hug, hug them. Notice that none of things I mentioned involved spending money.
In our modern busy culture, parents often buy children gifts to share love. It is important to balance buying things with spending time with your children. Kids need to hear and feel that they are loved as often as possible. It is also very important for children to understand that you still love them, even when you don’t like their behavior. We all know that children can behave in ways that make parents sad, frustrated and extremely angry.
Ideally, children will need to understand that they are loved by their parents, even when their parents disapprove of their actions. I teach parents to actually say, “ I love you, but I do not like your behavior right now. What you just did is unacceptable in this house.” It is important for children to understand that they are lovable just for being who they are.
The messages you give to your children about how loveable they are will stick with them for a lifetime. If you love your children well, they can grow into adults who love others well and who choose partners that will also love them well. What a great gift for many generations of your family.
